What follows will make more sense if you read Date Night prior to this…
As I walked out to my truck, drove home, parked in the driveway, and sat in the dark, my heart was sad. Tears started running down my face and I cried for all of the things that have happened this summer. I cried for love lost. I cried for love found. I cried for dreams that have ended and ones that never have been attempted. I cried for my wife. I cried for my kids. I cried for my relationship. And I cried for my lack of understanding until now. I used to be ashamed of my emotions and tears were rarely allowed to flow as freely as they have in the last 3 months. But last night I embraced all of the fear, anger, uncertainty, and hope and let it all wash over me. Rinse me out. Clean me off. Renew me.
I understood in my very core that I had to tell my wife that I couldn’t do this. I had to tell her that I love her more than anything else and I am not ok sharing her love, her mind, her body with someone else. I had to tell her that I want her and only her.
She was sound asleep when I got to our room so I showered and crawled into bed. I could hear her breathing lightly so I just laid there and listened to her soft breaths. I drifted off to sleep somewhere along the way and when her alarm went off I wanted to talk to her immediately but knowing she needs a shower before she feels human I let her get up and into the warm water. I listened to the water bouncing off her body and waited until I thought she would be done to enter the bathroom and talk. She asked me a couple of questions as she was standing with a towel wrapped around her shoulders and I answered her as honestly as I could. Finally, I took her still wet body in my arms, pulled her close to me and told her “I don’t want to do this.”
She put her head against my chest and it almost felt like she melted into me. If it was relief, or understanding, or just her only way of telling me she agreed I’m not sure but it was a wonderful moment to hold her and feel like she was mine. I asked her if she knew what I meant by that and she said she did. She also told me she had told her guy that she couldn’t do this anymore and broke it off with him last night while I was out. My heart leapt in my chest. Tears were in her eyes as she explained that she was in a funk and didn’t want to go through all of this anymore. She wanted us to be happy and she wanted to put her energy into our relationship. I held her in my arms for as long as I could. Soaking up the love I felt from her and trying to reciprocate that feeling to her. I kissed the top of her wet head and told her I loved her. Knowing she needed to get ready for work I let her go. (If she hadn’t just gotten back from 6 days off I would have told her to call in sick and stay with me today. Another time)
It feels like we are on the same page with where we are and what we want for and from each other right now. Could this change at some point? Of course. I never thought 3 months ago I would be writing this blog so anything can happen. But in the immediate future, meaning today and every day after, I am going to pour my heart and soul into this wonderful woman that I have in my life.
*a side note…
In no way am I saying that an open relationship can’t work for some people it just isn’t right for us at this time. I have met wonderful people through this experience and I hope to continue to be friends with them and share more experiences with them. Hell, we are not closing off our relationship to fun, just focusing on each other for now.
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy whatever I throw out here next.