Date Night Fallout

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What follows will make more sense if you read Date Night prior to this…

As I walked out to my truck, drove home, parked in the driveway, and sat in the dark, my heart was sad. Tears started running down my face and I cried for all of the things that have happened this summer. I cried for love lost. I cried for love found. I cried for dreams that have ended and ones that never have been attempted. I cried for my wife. I cried for my kids. I cried for my relationship. And I cried for my lack of understanding until now. I used to be ashamed of my emotions and tears were rarely allowed to flow as freely as they have in the last 3 months. But last night I embraced all of the fear, anger, uncertainty, and hope and let it all wash over me. Rinse me out. Clean me off. Renew me.

I understood in my very core that I had to tell my wife that I couldn’t do this. I had to tell her that I love her more than anything else and I am not ok sharing her love, her mind, her body with someone else. I had to tell her that I want her and only her.
She was sound asleep when I got to our room so I showered and crawled into bed. I could hear her breathing lightly so I just laid there and listened to her soft breaths. I drifted off to sleep somewhere along the way and when her alarm went off I wanted to talk to her immediately but knowing she needs a shower before she feels human I let her get up and into the warm water. I listened to the water bouncing off her body and waited until I thought she would be done to enter the bathroom and talk. She asked me a couple of questions as she was standing with a towel wrapped around her shoulders and I answered her as honestly as I could. Finally, I took her still wet body in my arms, pulled her close to me and told her “I don’t want to do this.”
She put her head against my chest and it almost felt like she melted into me. If it was relief, or understanding, or just her only way of telling me she agreed I’m not sure but it was a wonderful moment to hold her and feel like she was mine. I asked her if she knew what I meant by that and she said she did. She also told me she had told her guy that she couldn’t do this anymore and broke it off with him last night while I was out. My heart leapt in my chest. Tears were in her eyes as she explained that she was in a funk and didn’t want to go through all of this anymore. She wanted us to be happy and she wanted to put her energy into our relationship. I held her in my arms for as long as I could. Soaking up the love I felt from her and trying to reciprocate that feeling to her. I kissed the top of her wet head and told her I loved her. Knowing she needed to get ready for work I let her go. (If she hadn’t just gotten back from 6 days off I would have told her to call in sick and stay with me today. Another time)
It feels like we are on the same page with where we are and what we want for and from each other right now. Could this change at some point? Of course. I never thought 3 months ago I would be writing this blog so anything can happen. But in the immediate future, meaning today and every day after, I am going to pour my heart and soul into this wonderful woman that I have in my life.

*a side note…
In no way am I saying that an open relationship can’t work for some people it just isn’t right for us at this time. I have met wonderful people through this experience and I hope to continue to be friends with them and share more experiences with them. Hell, we are not closing off our relationship to fun, just focusing on each other for now.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy whatever I throw out here next.

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Date night

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Last night I meet with a very nice woman that I have been talking to for about a month over emails, texts and the occasional phone call. I was very nervous. I wish I could say excited but it was mainly nerves. Wondering if I should be there even though my wife had full knowledge of the date. Wondering if I wanted to be there spending time and energy on someone else besides my wife. Wondering if my date would show up. (she ended up being almost 30 minutes late) Wondering if she would look like her picture. Wondering if she would be disappointed in me. Basically NERVOUS!
I had two drinks while I was hanging out at my house before leaving for dinner then I had two more while waiting for her to arrive. So by the time she did arrive, with a friend in tow as chaperone, I was not nervous any longer. Smartest move for a first date meeting? No. Best way to sit there and not want to jump out of the booth and run away? Yes!
She is an attractive woman, older than me, well proportioned but much smaller than me. After all the introductions were done we sat down and they ordered a bottle of wine which allowed me to order another drink. The conversation ranged from pets to shopping malls and most everything in between. It landed on my relationship “status” for a brief moment, which I knew it would. The friend asked if I was a “solo player or if my wife and I played together?” I assumed this was a question my date wanted to ask but couldn’t for whatever reason so her friend stepped in and did it for her. I explained, as best I could, what was going on with my relationship and we moved on.
As they drank their wine and I had another couple drinks things got looser and I was able to relax.

I tried to make the best of the night and the alcohol soon overwhelmed my judgement and we ended up going back to her hotel room. We sat on the balcony of the hotel talking and after about 30 minutes her friend left us out there alone. She came over and sat on my lap and things began to take their natural course when two people are alone but I was having trouble getting into it. I think she could tell because she kept asking me if everything was “ok”. I tried, she tried, we tried but it wasn’t going to happen. I was mentally blocked and all I could think about was my wife laying in bed at home wondering what I was doing just like I had when she was gone with her guy. I had a question constantly gnawing at the back of my mind,

“Do you really want to be here?”

The answer was No.

I tried to be as polite as I could and excuse myself and told her I had really enjoyed all this but I wanted to go home. She was a little hurt that I was leaving so abruptly but said he understood, which I don’t think she really did, but I had to leave. She said she “is a big girl and doesn’t need an explanation or need to know what I’m thinking. If I have to go I have to go.” And I had to go.
As I walked out to my truck, drove home, parked in the driveway, and sat in the dark my heart was sad. Tears started running down my face and I cried for all of the things that have happened this summer. I cried for love lost. I cried for love found. I cried for dreams that have ended and ones that have never been attempted. I cried for my wife. I cried for everything and nothing all at the same moment. I used to be ashamed of my emotions and tears were rarely allowed to flow as freely as they have in the last 3 months. But last night I embraced all of the fear, anger, uncertainty, and hope and let it all wash over me. Rinse me out. Clean me off. Renew me.
I was done with this open relationship and I had to tell my wife.

Attention

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I don’t know what I have to do to get my wife’s attention anymore…
I have been trying to not be clingy and needy (which I NEVER was before we started the open relationship) so I don’t smoother her. It is hard when all I want is to have her close, emotionally and physically, to me. I’m not referring to sex, although that would be great, I’m talking about feeling like I matter to her still or again.
I saw a meme online that said “don’t push a loyal person to the point that they don’t give a damn.” and I’m afraid that’s what I have done.
She says she loves me. She says she cares and I do believe her.

Loneliness

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I’m in my truck driving. The feeling of being alone sits on my shoulders like a crushing weight that I can not escape no matter how fast I drive.

I’m at work in a crowded room. Trying to be involved yet I feel uncomfortably lonely.

I’m home making myself dinner. My family is roaming the house and I feel completely and utterly alone.

I’m sitting in my back yard. The stars and moon my only company and I am lost in my loneliness.

I’m watching the sun come up. Time to smile, put on a happy face and struggle through another day. Alone.

Follow up to: follow up to: are they real

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Well I must say that this new lady that I am potentially meeting soon is shaping up to be a winner!
She is definitely real. She is definitely sweet. We have a lot in common. She is very attractive. And she completely accepts and is on board with the fact that I do not want more than a friend with benefits.
We texted some more today and it came up that I like woman that are a little on the “thicker” side… She almost immediately sent me two very tasteful photos of herself in jeans and tee that showed me her body for the first time. She is not big or thick. On the contrary, she is a tiny little thing! 5’2 with curves in the correct places. We teased about her being a little lollipop guild munchkin. Her words. I’m 5’11 and about 205lbs which compared to her is big but not oddly so. The reason I brim this up is I have not been with, dated, or generally been around a lot of small women. With the exception of one girlfriend in HS all the girls I’ve dated have been big one way or another. Basketball players, volleyball players, all close to my height and one taller than me. Non athlete girls that were tall or thick.
Maybe I should define thick and what It means to me. I think of thick as a girl whose got extra weight on her but still has a shapely figure. I can’t put a number in it like say, 200 lbs or 175 pounds, it’s more than a number. It’s shape and confidence with that shape. A woman can be considered overweight by others but if she is confident in herself the number doesn’t matter. And why do I like thick girls? I LOVE a big, round, squeezable, spankable, lickable, grabable, jiggly, luscious, ass! And I’m not afraid to admit it…
So looking at this beauty that sent me her pictures what do I see pushing out the back of her jeans? You guessed it. A sexy butt just begging to be treated right!
So I am looking at a 5’2 inch dynamo that has my favorite body type but definitely does not fit into my normal mold. So I was in a bit of a conundrum; Reevaluate my entire dating ideology on body styles and what I consider sexy. Or grab on with both hands (so to speak) and embrace this opportunity to try something, someone, new. I obviously choose the latter.
Whats the purpose of this post? Not really one except…
My potential FWB is pretty damn hot! I scored on my second a bat. Maybe…

Are they real?

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So last week I responded to an ad on craigslist for a woman looking for a guy. We have been emailing back-and-forth and she requested my phone number so we could text. Which we’ve been doing. Conversations are good, she’s nice, I enjoy texting with her, but here’s where my problem lies. How do I know that she is real? She has sent me a couple of pictures that she said she had to take from other pictures. They look normal so I asked her about just taking a quick selfie and sending it to me to which she replied she doesn’t like to send pictures where she is not looking her best. Okay, I get that she’s a woman and all you girls like to look great in every picture but it makes me wonder, is she really a girl or am I being scammed by some guy?! Are the pictures she sent me from a really long time ago so she doesn’t want me to see what she looks like now? I don’t know… at some point I’m going to have to talk to her to make sure it’s really a female then the ultimate test… seeing if she will meet me. I was talking about it with my wife and we were laughing about how funny that would be if she wasn’t really who she says she is. You see those TV shows all the time. Am I the next victim on catfish?!?!? Oh well… Here’s hoping. Lol

It’s been 0 days since our last incident

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I fucked up!

To use a saying from the oil fields, which there are thousands of around our town, we had been accident and incident free for a good while. No negative energy. No meltdowns on my part. No meltdowns on her part. Just a good solid term of building our relationship and getting along great.
My wife and I have been making great strides emotionally breaking down some old barriers, or at least softening them up if not breaking them down, and we seem to be coming back together emotionally. Then last night I wrote a blog about us not having sex. I ranted about what was on my mind at the time and dredged up things that are not even going on currently but because I was frustrated I wrote things that I shouldn’t have. She has never read any of my posts, until tonight, when she read my post “what’s a guy have to do to get laid” and it hurt her deeply.
All the progress we had made was washed away with my careless words. She felt betrayed, like she wasn’t enough for me. Like she can’t give me what I need. Neither of which are true. I hurt her, unintentionally, but the damage is done.

With my careless strokes on the keyboard I sent us back to a negative state. She is questioning everything. She is unsure of my true intentions. She is not certain she can trust my actions as being genuine and real or if I’m playing a game of some kind to get into her pants. As we tried to talk through some of this tonight I asked her to please look at my actions over the last several weeks as a judge of my intentions not the rant from an emotionally drained, overly tired, horny, and frustrated guy at 2am.

Hopefully she can do that and see past the physical state my words were driven by. Is that an excuse. Sure. Is it a good reason for writing what I did? No. I should have realized what I was writing would hurt her and not done it.

All I can do now is start my count back at 0. So… It’s been 0 days since our last incident and I have nobody to blame but myself.